I remember how I could smell the cigarette smoke lingering on your leather jacket when I hugged you. Your subtle smile as you watched me scrunch my nose in distaste as my arms wrapped around your waist. I remember the thrill of seeing you and the adventures you took me on, and the disappointment when I realized the things you shrugged off as inconsequential could have such lasting harmful effects. The toxic relationship we had built and become accustomed to. The screaming and the lashing and the harmful words we could never take back or forget. You tried to push me down and I pushed you away. I never loved you the way you wanted me to and I think you knew that. You were the first boy to make me cry, the first boy to make me vulnerable and hurt me. You had changed me so much that I almost didn't even react when you sobbed, repeating your sorries but not apologetic. But I wanted to wipe those tears from your exhausted face and tell you that I am happy that we were finally able to have this conversation. Instead I stood at a distance and said goodbye.


I remember thinking I was so lucky to have met you. You were the sweetest, kindest, and most genuine person I knew. The way your hips awkwardly swayed as you sang 90's R&B music, the way you ate with chopsticks in the left hand and spoon in your right. You scolded me for not having good eating habits and I criticized your wardrobe choices. I was so dependent on you. I needed you to be my support system and you were so good at being there for me. I remember my heart dropping when you told me you were moving so far away, and the panic I felt when I realized you were no longer going to be around. I was so selfish with you. We promised to keep in touch and find time to talk every day, but slowly we were losing sight of each other. Eventually I lost you completely. But I will never forget the way you were able to find all the right words to keep encouraging me and keep going. If only I could have done the same for you.


I remember the way your fingers combed through your hair as you threw back your head and laughed the first time I met you. Those same fingers that wiped away my tears, no longer embarrassed or unaccustomed to being exposed to you, and the strong hands that cupped my face, keeping me up to help me through my first heartbreak. The arms that picked me up to my feet when I was on my hands and knees. The chest that you let me rest on, and the way your heart beat. The way you held my hands, gripping them tight and reassuringly, and at that moment I believed you were never going to let go. I didn't want you to. I remember fearing that this sweet dream would end soon, that these things don't last. And inevitably it was over. I woke up, having to face a reality without you to hold me together.


A different guy, same story. Each time hardening me more.


But not you.

Where do I even begin with you.
I remember what you were wearing when we first met: an American Eagle hoodie and jeans that didn't quite fit right, torn at the heels. The movie we watched and how I couldn't focus because I was so nervous and happy to be next to you. The anxiety I felt when I got home that night, thinking I had scared you off and that you didn't think I was cool enough to be with you. The relief when you called me later that week.

I remember waiting for you. Waiting for you to own up to our relationship and want it as much as I did. All the subtle hints and the passive aggressive statements I tossed carefully to you. The frustration when you didn't reciprocate my feelings for you right away.

I remember wanting you. When you flew me up for a weekend to see you. When you first held my hand. When you first kissed me cautiously. Aggressively. Passionately. When next to you and I felt comforted and wanted.

I remember imagining a future with you. Wanting to meet your friends, your family, the people who mattered to you most because you matter to me most. Building a life together, becoming an integral part of your life.
Wanting to make you happy, to know more about you. To constantly be earning you.

Please help me remember and continue to cherish what we have. Please don't let me let you go.
Don't simplify yourself and all of us to a memory.

Labels: diary